My Sister’s Keeper

Footsies, originally uploaded by ashley bee’s old account..

Every year since 1998, I will try to do a little tribute to my sister. Recently, I was back in my mum’s hometown for a short trip with my family. I really wanted to visit my sister’s grave but unfortunately the gates to the cemetery was locked. According to my mum, it’s always been locked. I was not a happy camper.

Every year my mum is being locked out of the cemetery during all souls day. I will make a point to contact the cemetery keepers to make sure family and relatives are able to visit their loved ones whenever they want to. When people die, it doesn’t mean that they need to be locked away from the world. They are very much alive in our hearts and memories. If you had someone you loved very much died, you’d understand why I’m upset about it.

This is the 11th year since my sister’s passing and we all still miss her dearly. I didn’t intend to post any photos of her, just this two pairs of very sisterly feet (please excuse the toe nails. lol!), which represents her and myself. Heh. I’m sentimental like that. Even though we used to argue a lot, my sister takes care of me well and spoils me rotten whenever she traveled by buying me loads of gifts.

We have this ritual of calling each other every other day (since she lived out of town) with stories and the hottest gossips. I miss that. Apart from the memory of her, there are her kids. The two boys whom when she left was only 2 & 3 years old. Now 13 & 14 years old respectively, they’ve grown to be good helpers at home and naughty twos at that, aren’t all boys are. Both of them reminds me of my sister in many ways and I love them to bits.

My sister,

Sisters don’t need words. They have perfected a language of snarls and smiles and frowns and winks – expressions of shocked surprise and incredulity and disbelief. Sniffs and snorts and gasps and sighs – that can undermine any tale you’re telling. ~Pam Brown

xox

Lead My Way

Lead my way, originally uploaded by Camila Bibas.

I remember when I was a child, I would constantly hide behind my dad or mum because I was extremely shy (not to mention anti-social). I especially loved it when my dad carried me. I felt so protected and safe.

My father is a strict but extremely social man who has many friends. They enjoy his company, always calling him out for any social gatherings or parties. He smoked and drank like any man would. But with me, he was just being dad, so I did what any teenager would do, I rebelled. He is pretty hardcore but he never lifted a finger on me, hence whenever he’s angry at me, he’d tell me mum and she’d tell me. I just thank my lucky stars he was never in the military!

My father is the kind of man stood by his principles and by that I mean, really sticking to it. The lowest point between us was when he found out about something that happened to me (lowest point of my life) and sat in the living room waiting for me to come home at 4.00am in the morning. Again, he never yelled or lifted a finger. He quietly asked me what happened and I sobbed, telling him everything. After that things eventually got better between us, although there are time he would have his moods but I got used to it.

Growing up, even though I had many rifts with my father, I always remember that he loves working with his hands; he had a knack for it. He was super creative. His carpentry work was immaculate and many of our furniture at home is done by him, even my wardrobe and bed which many of my friends have expressed envy over.

He still is the man of the house although things are different now. You can rarely hear the sound of wood being cut with a saw or nail being knocked on wood. He was recently diagnosed with psoriasis arthritis. It’s weird not seeing my dad doing his usual dumb bell lifts or using his overalls and tools. There are times when I feel so helpless not able to help him. Arthritis is an incurable disease and he has to live with it for the rest of his life.

Never in a million years I would imagine this would befall my dad. But whatever it is, I got his back covered.

Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever. ~Author Unknown

xox

It Takes Two To Tango

The Last Dance, originally uploaded by ♥ThumBelina♥.

This blog is definitely becoming a dumping site for my roller coaster love life. I choose to dump whatever that’s not being said to anyone else here. I’m not even sure if it’s a good or bad thing to do considering I can’t make up my mind about men; one minute is this guy and the other the next. Am I THAT fickle?

I’ve noticed a trend going on here that whenever I blog, it has to always have something to do with my love life. Needless to say, I can sense eyes rolling about and mumbles saying, ‘what is up with Dee and her never ending love drama!’

Believe you me, I constantly wonder why I get myself into nonsensical, no future relationships that always ends up me feeling shit about myself; which I’ve happily dwelled into in a few months ago. I had gotten myself into an extremely complicated situation where you can already guess who ended up depressed and shitty and thinking that she can never find the love of her life.

While everything was going ‘great’, but I couldn’t help but constantly think of the consequences and karma that will eventually bite me in future or my next life. I didn’t want to talk about him here because the blogging world is afterall a very small, if you think about it. You never know a friend of a friend of a friend who knows this person is reading your blog and bam! All hell breaks loose.

I learned to be utterly paranoid and not to mention hesitant. I’ve never been either of those two and to think that it preoccupied most of my time then; eventually became a little much to handle. Despite having to enjoy it but one thing is for sure, I couldn’t share every single detail to any Tom, Dick and Harry nor can I publicly announce how I felt or what I went through. It was hard enough considering almost every one of my friends were against it and there wasn’t really anyone I could’ve expressed or shared my excitement with.

That was one of the hardest relationships I had to go through in my life time.

I decided I had to eat my words about ‘condemning’ certain people in society who had to go through what they’re going through. Now that I was somewhat in similar situation, it’s hard not to be put heart into it. Damn me for being so judgmental before. Situations as such has long without exception been chided upon and I realize that friends were just looking out for my well being.

We eventually went our separate ways, although we still keep in touch as friends. I was never one to concede to this kind of act but after having experience it myself, I truly take my words back. I’m not implying that everyone should give it a try but try to understand the basis of the situation. Feelings cannot be helped no matter what.

Do like l would always do, listen to both sides of the story.

xox

Fall Out

kokoro, originally uploaded by miche|a.

There’s so many things I want to express yet I can’t seem to find the words. Maybe I’m afraid that tears will flow uncontrollably because I DO NOT want to shed a tear. I’m angry. I’m disappointed. It takes a lot to pissed me off (although it’s totally opposite on the road) however, we all have limits and I think I’ve reached mine.

It may be coward of me not to speak rudely or say what’s on my mind especially towards a friend and as much of a bitch I am at times, this all proves to be extremely difficult. I am one who always make sure I don’t hurt my friends in any way possible. Right now, I’m at wits end towards a friend and I really dread to tell this friend off for fear of ruining this friendship.

I have many friends but only a handful whom are close; those I share my darkest and deepest secrets with. I cherish friendship as much as I treasure my family. I care a whole lot for them and I’d go to the end of the earth for them whenever they’re in trouble, sad or angry to make them feel better. But there are times I wonder, how far should I be giving. I’m never one who asks for anything in return but for their friendship and gratitude. Some friends tell me, I give way too much and get shit in return. As stubborn as I am, I give them the benefit of the doubt and in the end, I’m the one who gets hurt. Never in my life have I ever experience a fall out with friend and I sure hell do not want to start.

I need a peace of mind and I need it fast before I completely go ballistic. How do I even begin a conversation without ending up in a huge argument? I am old enough to handle situations as such but honestly, I don’t need it right now; not like this. There are times when I wish I didn’t have friends although I don’t do well being lonely. How ironic.

I’d like to think that this is just a phase…but then again, what if it’s not?

xox

Missing Bangkok

Bangkokeh, originally uploaded by ** dee **.

It’s been over a month since my return from Bangkok and not once have I ever mention how much I miss the city. There are still many part of Bangkok and its’ surrounding provinces I’ve yet to explore.

During my trip, I was the typical tourist who went to all the sites and being scammed into paying overpriced entrance tickets. Was it worth it? Well, if I didn’t have to travel with 10 other people and trying to protect everyone from being bullied, I’d say it was definitely worth the trip. Despite all that, I thoroughly loved my trip. Although, I may sound like a sour bitch every now and then, who cares. I went, I saw and I almost conquered.

Two weeks seemed like a long time at first but now looking back, it wasn’t quite enough considering I was in class about 80 percent of the time. By the end of the day, I was either too tired to leave my hotel room or there were plans made to go somewhere with friends. There was no point to go sightseeing as there weren’t any sights to see at night. Hardly. Really.

Even though there was a language barrier, I can’t help but relish every moment I interact with the Thais. I especially loved it when I am able to show my little appreciation by thanking them in Thai. There’s a distinct softness in their language which I adore.

I missing Bangkok very much and I promised myself I will go back there some time soon. I hope. Fingers crossed.

xox

Whoops Now!

Whoops Now!, originally uploaded by ** dee **.

I’ve come to a realization that the older I get, the more discreet I become. Hence, the lack of blog posts over the past few months. I feel a sense of reluctance to share my happiest moments these days and the only moments I’d share with you is through the photos I’ve taken. I know it seem pretty selfish of me and as much as I want to post more photos, my time these days consist of the outdoors which I’ve grown to love once again so much. I’ve almost forgotten how much fun and how much I could learn from it. It feels like I’ve been reborn and learning new things around me.

Therefore, I hope you will excuse me with the lack of worldly expressions but more of what and how I see the world through my lense. Maybe sometimes through someone else’s eye, just for kicks.

xox

Why Wait For The Weekend To Have Fun

Why wait for the weekend to have fun, originally uploaded by ** dee **.

I’ve been having way too much fun lately. Party and more parties. Booze and more booze. Spending too much time under the sun and by the beach. Damn! I’m not complaining! I just don’t want it to end.

I’m missing someone terribly right now; story to be told later. For now, I want to get ready for the long holiday weekend for more outing to the beach.

Yes, I’m still alive and kicking.

xox

Pissy Kitty

Tiger,  originally uploaded by El Øyvino.

If I didn’t know any better, I’m very sure I woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning. It’s raining heavily outside and I should be all chirpy and perky. Well, I’m not so what you gonna do about it? The picture of the pissy looking tiger really dictates how much in a foul mood I am.

I just don’t want to say anything that will eventually hurt someone’s feelings today because my mouth taste foul…very foul. This is not a good feeling to have, knowing well my girlfriends will be arriving in less that 10 & 48 hours. Fuck.

Every phone call answered this morning was super annoying and I just feel like telling everyone to fuck off. Even while driving to work this morning, I was calling out every foul word from urban dictionary. I was driving like a deraged woman….well, I am!

And I don’t even know why I’m in such a fucking foul mood!

Can’t be PMS for sure, that’s a lame and stoopid excuse to give. Rain generally makes me a more happier person but today, it’s helter skelter. Scary but true. Maybe a popsicle might make it all better, I don’t know.

Be warned, spite me and I guarantee I will bite you!

Getting Back To Routine

We all yearn to get away from routine every now and then, but for me, it’s all. the. freaking. time. Speaking of routines, I love this quote from Andy Partridge about being mundane,

“We’re horribly mundane, aggressively mundane individuals. We’re the ninjas of the mundane, you might say.”

I’m the worst person when it comes to getting back to mundaness of routines. Take for example like today, I can’t seem to start doing any work. Okay maybe I should cut myself some slack for JUST returning to work, afterall it’s only day 1. There’s alot to be done before Ramadhan fasting month begins on the 20th August and in order to get everything done in warp speed, I need to start getting perky. Yes, perky is definitely the word for this week.

Friends are already calling me for drinks and here I am still giving lame excuses that I’m still ‘not in the mood’ or ‘I’m still tired from all that traveling on Saturday’.  If anyone who didn’t know any better, traveling from one place to another and that place to another can consume most of our energy especially when one has to wake up at 3am in the morning and stay awake for the next 19 hours, hoping and praying that you won’t miss any of your flights!

Having said that, if anyone has any great ways of getting back to routine, please do share coz I’m just horrible at it; perhaps I’m just not cut living in the mundane.  ;) Anyho, let me start working (and tweaking) on all the pictures I’ve taken and hopefully be able to show you the things I’ve done and the places I’ve been!

xox

Sawadeeka from Bangkok

@ Wat Arnun, originally uploaded by Alex HHHHHH.

Greetings from Land of the Smiles.

Well, not so many smiles after all. I’m currently still in Bangkok, have been for a week now. It’s a beautiful and colorful city I must say. There are many places to see and absorb in two weeks especially when we spent at least 7 hours in the classroom. Fortunately we had some time to do sightseeing during the weekend.

However, my friends and I had a bad experience at the end of a canal tour we took. Naturally being tourist, we certainly were not aware of ‘certain’ rules that apply, e.g. private boat landing fee. Upon reaching the jetty for our next tour, we were yelled at by a man collecting private boat landing fee. We tried to get him to ‘nicely’ explained to us but unfortunately he was extremely rude and just continued yelling, ‘40 Baht!!!!’ It was one of the worst experiences I have ever encountered. I can still remember very vividly the way he looked at us, as if we were scum.

Honestly, I’m not entirely impressed with the friendliness of the people in this country. It’s sad really. Despite all that, I still think it’s a fascinating city to explore and i will make the most of my 6 days left.

Till then…